Following Dreams...Discovery

Following a dream requires commitment. It requires a change in priorities. I'm finding that it also requires a change in the long-held demands and perceptions I have of myself.

For decades I have tended to the needs of supervisors and managers in jobs, to my children, grandchildren, foster children, and children in just about any child care setting one could imagine.  In all honesty, my need to provide this care and my workaholic nature has all but hidden any other personal desires from view.

Whatever dreams that life may hold have eluded me for many years. I have the amazing ability to successfully hide behind the needs of others. The multitude of distractions that I invite into every day have also hidden me from myself. They have allowed me to be lazy when it comes to self discovery and revealing my talents and potential.

Lately, I've been looking beyond the haze of denial. It has always been painful for me to acknowledge that I need anything from anyone. It's difficult to admit need and vulnerability. By staying busy tending to others, I can ignore my own issues, my lack of motivation, my need to not be dependent on others, and my fears. Fears act as a cloak, meant to protect. In truth, fear also serves to constrict and bind. This is a distorted and rather disturbing place to be, I realize. A decent therapist could quickly point out the flaws of this design that I've created.

I need my friends and I need my family. I need their company, their love, their belief in me, their support. This part is easy...I have always had these wonderful people in my corner. The next part is a bit more challenging, probably more for them than for me. I need honest critique (please, not criticism) from the people who love me unconditionally. There are a few brave souls who trust our relationship enough to have honest, straight-forward conversations with me. Granted, these are not always easy conversations. Sometimes my feelings get hurt. But, because I know that it comes from a place of true caring and affection, the result is that I begin to think about the 'how and why' of me. It's not easy to step out of my comfort zone, even when my comfort zone is actually quite uncomfortable.

Following a dream requires actually discovering the dream!